SNiVeL
The Non-Violent Guide for Dealing with Home-Invasions

With home-invasion robberies on the rise, we offer you the following guide to surviving such an encounter without resorting to violence.

Rogering you for a safer tomorrow.

SNiVeL was created by HCI's own Josh Suckerman.

Owning a dog is a wonderful and rewarding experience. A dog will also provide a valuable deterrent to home-invasion crimes. We recommend a small, passive, NON-VIOLENT breed that barks, yaps and generally raises hell at every little noise. The barking will warn you of a potential threat, giving you time to act. 

If a socially misguided soul does attempt to hack his way into your home, immediately dial 999. Try to reason with the intruder until help arrives. Tell him that you have called for assistance and that the peace officers are on their way. Inform him that you have no intentions of harming him. Reassure him of this by explaining that you don't believe in violence and own NO weapons of your own. 

Should the misguided intruder smash his way into your home despite your efforts, experts agree you should run like hell! Don't allow any obstacles to get in your way! This includes the bodies of other residents of the household or the yappy little mutt you purchased for just such an emergency.

Should escape be impossible, utilize the Safe, Non-Violent, Limp, or the SNiVeL, Technique, which was developed by Josh Suckerman. 

Do The SNiVeL:

• Step 1: "S" is for Safe - Assume a safe, fetal position, preferably under a table or other cover.  

• Step 2: "N" & "V" are for Non-Violent - Remember, remain non-violent. Moves that could be interpreted as 'self-defense' may only serve to further provoke your assailant. Offer no resistance. 

• Step 3: "L" is for Limp - Remain limp while begging and groveling for your life!!!  This is no time for pride or courage, so cry like a girl, you fool!!!   This will always serve you better than a firearm, which would only inject more violence into the situation.  Finally, stay limp until your assailant has finished beating you like a rented mule.  He will eventually tire from pummeling you mercilessly and choose to move on to a more entertaining endeavor, such as beating your spouse and/or children.  

After the attack, you can evaluate how well this proven technique worked for you. 

The SNiVeL technique in action!

This is a parody site and NOT the official site for the Gun Control Network.