GCN-W's own Attacked!
July 2002
GCN-W's chairman, Gill 'The Marshmallow' Andrews was hospitalized today in critical condition, following a vicious beating outside his posh Downing Street flat.  Authorities are puzzled at what they are calling the first "Geriatric mugging" in the department's memory.  

Some neighbors have said that Andrews may have made a target out of himself. "He keeps a sign on his lawn, announcing 'This is a gun-free home'," said a former RAF officer, Major Willie Suckerman, who lives next door. 

Another neighbor, immigrant Ivan Yankoff, further offered the opinion that Gill 'The Marshmallow' was an attractive target because he "hits like a girl." 

MPs have constructed composite sketches of four of the assailants, but initial optimism faded with the realization that the Queen-Mother nor  Benny Hill could not have been involved in the crime.  

A shaken Andrews, breathing through a tube, described the assault.  "They came out of nowhere.  They had it all planned out. One lady pushed me over an aluminum walker another had put behind me.  Then they were all over me with their canes .... and .... and their hands looked like claws!"  

A sobbing Marshmallow continued, "I tried to assume the SNiVeL position, but before I could they beat the bloody hell out of me.  My neighborhood watch group witnessed the entire event.  And that's pretty much what they did - watch - while I took the beating of a lifetime."  

One member, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said "It says 'Neighborhood Watch' . . . and we bloody well did! Does it say 'Neighborhood Help'_ I bloody well think not!" 

Apparently authorities never were summoned, but touchingly, several motorists were said to have cheered Andrews on as he crawled the 14 blocks to the nearest hospital. 

Doctors said the skin graft is doing fine and he is expected to recover partial vision in one eye.

Investigators said that the only solid lead in the case is a set of dentures found at the scene.  Forensics hope to match them with wounds to what doctors referred to as Andrew's 'crown jewels'.

Police believe he may have run afoul of a vicious local gang called the 'Ot Six Gray Panthers, a.k.a. the Geritol GangBangers.  They are known to local  authorities as having shaken down local residents and businesses for prunes and other roughage.  

Composite sketch of suspect #1

Composite sketch of suspect #2

Composite sketch of suspect #3

Composite sketch of suspect #4

Evidence left at the scene.

Mr. Suckerman's x-ray.

The Marshmallow's x-ray upon arriving at the emergency room. 

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